Golf is the only sport where the explanation arrives before the ball stops rolling. A guy hits a tee shot so far right it needs a passport, and by the time it is finished bouncing he has already told you about the wind, the lie, the divot, the guy who coughed two fairways over, and the grip he has been meaning to replace since spring. Nobody asked. Nobody ever asks. The explanation just comes out, automatically, the way your knee jumps when the doctor taps it.
And here is the beautiful part. We all do it. Scratch guys do it, weekend guys do it, the guy who has broken 80 twice in his life and the guy who has broken 80 twice this month both do it, usually within a hole of each other. Golf excuses are the shared language of the sport. So we did the honest thing and ranked them, from the ones your foursome has never believed for one second all the way up to the one that is actually, quietly, completely true.
How We Ranked Them
One rule: believability is measured entirely by the group. Not by physics, not by whether the excuse could theoretically be valid, but by what happens in the four seconds after you say it. Does the cart go quiet in polite agreement, or does somebody immediately say "sure, buddy" and start laughing? That is the whole scoring system. It is the most accurate judging panel in golf, because your buddies have watched every swing you have ever made and they are not grading on a curve.
Number Nine: "These Are New Clubs, I'm Still Getting Used To Them"
Dead last, and it is not close. You have had those irons since February. Everyone in the cart was there when you unboxed them and made all four of them hold the seven iron and say something nice about it. The equipment defense has a shelf life of roughly one round, and the group starts the clock the second you show up with the new bag. Use it once and you get a nod. Use it in September on clubs you bought in the spring and somebody is going to ask, out loud, exactly how long the adjustment period runs. There is no good answer to that question. There has never been a good answer to that question.
Number Eight: "The Sun Was Right In My Eyes"
An all-time classic that gets deployed on overcast days, at seven in the morning, and once memorably by a guy standing fully in the shade of a maple tree. The problem with the sun excuse is that there are three other people standing in the identical sunlight who managed to make contact. It only works on a genuinely brutal westward tee shot in the last hour of daylight, and even then you have to say it fast and move on. Linger on it and you lose the room.
Number Seven: "Somebody Moved In My Backswing"
The accusation excuse. This one is uniquely bad because it does not just explain the shot, it assigns blame to a named individual who is standing right there and definitely did not move. Occasionally it is real. A cart rolls by, a phone goes off, a guy in the next fairway yells at his own ball. But nine times out of ten the movement in question was somebody shifting their weight forty feet behind you, and calling it out just tells the whole group you were looking for an exit before you swung. It also guarantees that for the rest of the round, every single person will freeze into a statue whenever you address the ball, which is somehow worse.
Number Six: "I Was Actually Aiming There"
The confidence play. Ball goes thirty yards right of the green, lands soft, and you announce that the pin was tucked and you were playing away from the trouble. Is it possible? Sure. Did anyone see you line up? Also yes. The reason this one climbs the rankings is that occasionally it is completely legitimate, and every group has had the experience of doubting a guy who then chips it stone dead and gives them a look. That small chance of being real is exactly what keeps it alive. It pairs well with the Golf Is Easy tee, which is the same energy in shirt form.
Number Five: "These Greens Are Way Faster Than Last Time"
Now we are getting somewhere, because this one is frequently true and impossible to disprove in the moment. Greens genuinely do change. They get rolled, they dry out, they get punched and sanded and then they are a different putting surface for a month. The trouble is that the guy who says it has usually just blown a four footer eight feet past, which is not a speed problem, that is a hands problem. Say it after a long lag that scoots off the back and the group will nod along. Say it after a tap-in and you are on your own.
Number Four: "I Haven't Played In Weeks"
Solid, respectable, widely accepted. Golf is a game you lose the feel for quickly and get back slowly, and everyone in the cart has lived through a summer where work or the kids or a bad back ate the schedule. The reason it does not rank higher is that some guys say it every single round, including the ones who play every single week, which turns a legitimate reason into a running bit. Used honestly, it buys you nine holes of grace. Used constantly, it becomes your nickname. The World's Okayest Golfer tee is the honest version of the same sentiment, and it never expires.
Number Three: "The Wind Grabbed It"
Very believable, because wind is real, invisible, and permanently available. Nobody can call you a liar about wind. It moves, it swirls, it does one thing at the tee and something else entirely up at the green, and any golfer who has stood on an elevated box in October knows that a ball can genuinely get taken somewhere it had no business going. This excuse survives on pure plausible deniability. The only way to blow it is greed. Blame the wind on a shot that went sideways at knee height and you have overplayed a very good hand.
Number Two: "I Didn't Warm Up"
Almost unimpeachable, because most of us do not warm up. We pull into the lot eleven minutes before the tee time, jog to the first box, take two practice swings that would alarm a physical therapist, and then swing a driver as hard as we can while completely cold. Of course the first three holes are a mess. That is not an excuse, that is a description of what happened. The only reason it misses the top spot is that it is really an admission, and admissions do not need to be believed. Nobody in your group is doubting you. They are agreeing with you, while eating a breakfast sandwich, because they did the same thing. The Fueled By Turn Dogs tee exists for precisely this pre-round nutrition strategy.
Number One: "I'm Just Out Here To Have A Good Time"
The most believable golf excuse in the world, because it is not an excuse. It is the actual reason. Four hours outside with your friends, no phone calls, no email, a cart with a cooler in it, and a chance that on any given hole you will hit one so pure that you talk about it in the group chat for two weeks. The score is the excuse to be out there, not the point of being out there. Everybody who has played this game long enough figures that out eventually, usually around the time they stop keeping score on the back nine of a Sunday round. Say this one and nobody argues, because nobody can. It is the only entry on the list that has never once been questioned in the history of the sport.
Where The Excuses Actually Live
Here is the thing worth knowing about all nine of these. Almost none of them get their best airing on the course. They get told properly afterward, at the grill or the fire pit or the corner of the bar where the group is one beer deep and the round has already been upgraded in everybody's memory. That is when the wind gets stronger, the tree gets taller, and the putt that lipped out was definitely dead center.
Which is exactly what our shirts are for. Most courses want a collar on the tee, so a graphic tee is not your swing shirt, it is what you change into for the part of the day where the stories get told. The Here For A Good Time tee says the number one excuse out loud before you have to, and the Drive It Like You Stole It tee covers the other half of your personality. They run $29.99, which is less than the round you just used all nine of these on.
The whole lineup is over in The Tee Box, and the latest ones land in New Arrivals. We have been making shirts for golfers who talk a big game since 2025, and we have yet to meet one who ran out of material. Pick the excuse that fits you best, wear it to the after, and let somebody else explain their slice for once.
See you tomorrow.
Dan
Shanked Right
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