Somewhere right now, a foursome is standing on a first tee arguing about strokes. The names change, the course changes, but the cast never does. Every regular golf group in America is running the same five characters, and science has done nothing to explain it.
Here is your field guide. You know all five of these guys. One of them is you.
1. The Creative Accountant
He hit it out of bounds twice on the same hole, chipped sideways into a bunker, three-putted, and when you ask what he had, he squints at the fairway like he is replaying great memories and says "put me down for a five." His scorecard is not a record of events. It is a work of historical fiction. You have never once seen him write a number higher than seven, and you have personally witnessed him make an eleven.
The shirt for him: the Put Me Down For A Five Tee. Wear it to the next round and watch him pretend not to see it.
2. The Club Thrower
A gentle soul in every other part of his life. Coaches his kid's team. Waves people into traffic. Then he blades a wedge over the green and suddenly an eight iron is helicoptering toward the cart path. The throw is always followed by the walk of shame to retrieve it, which is somehow the most honest moment in golf. He apologizes to the group, to the course, and once, memorably, to the club itself.
The shirt for him: the Club Thrower Tee. He has earned it, and so has his eight iron.
3. The Ball Hawk
He disappears into the tree line hunting for his ball and comes out four minutes later with six balls, none of which are his. He owns a ball retriever with a longer reach than his driver. His golf bag weighs forty pounds and thirty of it is other people's Pro V1s. Play enough rounds with him and you realize you have never actually seen him buy a sleeve of balls. Blurry, rarely photographed, at home in the woods. You see where this is going.
The shirt for him: the Wandering Sasquatch Tee. Legendary creature, mostly seen near tree lines.
4. The Movie Quoter
He has never once described a putt in his own words. It is always "a little meow mix on this one" or "be the ball." He calls the course superintendent "Carl" no matter what the man's name is. When he birdies, you are getting the Cinderella story speech on the next tee whether you like it or not. Here is the thing though: he is right. The quotes hold up. They will always hold up.
The shirt for him: the Bushwood Country Club Varsity Tee. Membership he was born to hold.
5. The Swing Coach
Nobody asked. That is the important part. Nobody asked, and yet here he is behind you on the range saying you are coming over the top. He watched one video about shallowing the club and now he is a certified instructor. His own swing looks like a man falling off a ladder, but his diagnostics for your swing are strangely specific. Every tip he has ever given sounded great in his head.
The shirt for him: the SOUNDED GOOD Tee. The most honest garment ever printed.
Tag The Group Chat
Send this to your foursome and let the accusations fly. If the group chat goes quiet for a minute, someone is reading his own section.
And if you want to make the next first tee genuinely uncomfortable, show up wearing the shirt that matches the guy standing next to you.
See you tomorrow.
Dan
Shanked Right
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